So this whole derby thing is giving me a new outlook on some of my faults. One of my strengths in life...determination...also can be one of my biggest faults. When I set out to do something it is with blind determination. I will let nothing stop me from pushing myself to attain what I want, such as kicking ass on the flat track. Now to the average person they may see this as a giant positive, but remember my friend most poison is sweet. With this determination also comes stubborn will and the worst critic that lives deep in the core of your subconscious. This little bitch will at times over rule most rational thinking and can really be a pain in the ass. She is constantly driving you past pain you should be listening to instead of this tramps loud mouth, but giving into the dark side of determination, you take her harsh words in and silence those of reason. Gradually the pain increase its desperate call for help to a vicious cry, only causing the harpee inside to screech her words that push you to ignore all others.
I have realized this weekend that I have been letting the critic inside be my sole motivator, pushing me to push myself when maybe I should be not pushing so hard. I am all over the "push through the pain" philosophy, and unfortunately sometimes too much. Example...last Tuesday I found myself with an ocular migraine causing great nausea and motion sickness, now I easily could have skipped practice, like most would, but that little bitch deep inside wouldn't let me. "Really you are going to stay home? I thought you were cut out for derby but if you are going to just puss out at the first discomfort what's the point. Buck up you are never going to get better if you don't push through it." I went to practice...and mind you it was my best practice yet, but it also was the hardest. I did get to know my pal Paully the Pole very well, and was stoked about last man standing, but at the same time it probably would have been smart to stay home. Lately I have also been pushing myself through some back pain...which yes I know everyone has but this is something new, and after a hard fall. I was ignoring it listening to the little voice, "Push through it your back will strengthen up and it will go away." Well after three weeks and it to the point where I can not even skate 2 minutes without the intense pressure on my tailbone I am beginning to wonder if the little snide voice knows what she is talking about. I was asked this weekend why I have not gone in to the doctor over this...well that has two answers. First, I generally don't like doctor's visits since I see it as a sign of weakness....mainly due to Little Miss Critic Whore that lives inside me noggin...Second, what if I am told I can't skate for a bit, ummm I need all the skate time I can get or I will suck for ever...see where this cute little drive of determination can turn into a monster?
So as much as I don't want to seem too weak, and not tough enough, I have realized that I need to take care of this ragged body before it is hurt beyond repair. No matter what that skanky bitch inside me says, I know I am one bad ass female who is neither weak or a wimp! I will become a derby bad ass, but I might have a few set backs, but those things only make you stronger.